CSI: Miami aired last night with “RIO” the 5th season opener episode.

The show opened with David Carosuo standing underneath Cristo Redentor, the famous Christ the Redeemer statue at the top of the Corcovado mountain @ Rio de Janeiro in Brazil. They kept up with the spinning helicopter shot mixed with some latin music before fading in the shows title song by The Who. The season finale had Horatio’s wife, Delko’s sister, killed and after an entire episode, they caught the bad guy and then he gets sent to Brazil and they follow. So this episode was that – they follow into Brazil. Cue the MTV shots of Rio in Brazil to waste time.
Perhaps it was all the cough medicine of who’s influnence I was under but 10 mins into the show and I still did not understand what was happening. A bad guy Riaz gets out of jail due to poor US paperwork and has this stand off with Hortiio (David Caruso character) while they do this who’s got the bigger cock scene with Horatio disappearing before a commerical break.

Back from commerical and suddenly Horatio’s brother’s wife is back in the show. I guess Ray, Horatio’s brother, moved to Rio to continue his bizzare ‘undercover’ work. So more of then tongue panting by Horatio over his brothers wife and drop in the kid. As soon as I saw the kid I knew that brat would be the key to the entire show. Right then rush off from there to find Ray almost dead hanging by his legs in some drug house that the bad guy was suppose to be at. Horatio cuts down his brother while Delko goes off screen to call for help, this give Horatio time to watch his brother die, yet again. NOT ONE TEAR SHED! NOTHING! Horatio just cut his brother down from hanging upside down and been beaten to death and nothing. Man is a rock or a really bad actor with only one look – BLUE STEEL!

Okay after this we get more with the bad guy taking Horatio’s nephew away and after many poor edits we cut to Miami where life goes on for the rest of the team (DUH!) who follow up on a death in some rich part of town. Ryan Wolf gets matched up with the Natalia Boa Vista (seriously thats her name!), the girl who ratted out on the team last season and suddenly became an field agent (WTF?), and they do the same old same old CSI routine.

Okay, nice time kill and we are back to Rio with Horatio trying to chase down the bad guy and his nephew. Well Delko finds the bad guy and they have this fight atop a helicopter pad and before the bad guy can kill Delko, Horatio comes in to save Delko (man, if I was Delko, I would seriously wonder exactly how tough you are when Horatio is always saving your ass) and then kills the bad guy. Oh wait, I mean, defends himself in a fight. Right. Okay so they killed the bad guy, now its time to go home. Back to Miami.

Okay so back in Miami, Calleigh is running the show with Wolf dealing with an actual case. The new girl screws up and tips off a spoiled rich kid who’s upset that his mother is dead, tells me that he shouldnt be in the CSI office and watching the interview of his step-father who may or may not be the killer. Natalia Boa Vista doesnt even escourt the kid out, just tells him to go away and wander around the rest of the CSI offices.

Back to Horartio and Delko they find out that his nephew is smuggling drugs across into the states from Brazil for the bad guy. So they think he’s in the states now, specificly Miami – would have sucked if the kid went to California hey? So Horatio has a stand off with his brothers wife and says that he’s going to save his nephew and off they go. They find a dead kid. Oh smeg, its not the nephew but they do find a woman who helped ensure that they made it through the flights fine. They do their CSI magic and find the guy who killed one of the kids. They make more magic and find the woman is involved in making the drug pellets for the kids to swallow. One of the kids was taken to the hospital because he’s getting sick due to one or more of the pellets are bursting open. But again, its not the nephew.

Back to Wolf and his case. The new girl tells the step-father that CSI are sorry for accusing him when their magic found that it was some painter who wanted to get his rocks off on the mom and in hitting her, killed her and ran. Right. Closed and done but Wolf peaks on Natalia Boa Vista who doesnt think he needs to be so hard on her when *BANG* – outside the spoiled brat son blows away the step-father away right outside the CSI office. Well it seems that Natalia Boa Vista tipped off the kid that the step-father may have been the killer so the kid took things into his own hands. With Calleigh in charge while Horatio is running around killing bad guys who were involved in killing his wife / Delkios sister takes time to drill the spoiled brat kid and get him to tell her that maybe he didnt know if the step-father was the killer and maybe Natalia Boa Vista didnt infer that but that he just wanted the guy dead. Yay! No lawsuit against the CSI offices! Lets all be happy.

Right. Back to Horatio and Delko as they track down the kid who is in some mexican stand off with another bad guy with a gun (where the f**k did the kid get a gun?) and before the nephew could blow away the bad guy, Horatio talks him down and then the bad guy drop his gu… no wait, he’s going to shoot when Horatio blows the bad guy away! Yay! Horatio just blows bad guys away without worry!

Well all is good and Horatio has a moment with his nephew and his brothers wife. She decides to stick around and maybe give Horatio that chance to bang her! Yay. The episode is over!

Now. Really. This was the big season opener?! Oh man television is so bad. I was actually kinda excited about this episode – again, I think it was the drugs but man did that show sober me the f**k up!

Show gets only one lonely side look from Horatio out of five!